Scout
07-25-2006, 08:48 AM
This is a guide for straight men and how to survive or even thrive at Burning Man
1. There are lots of gay people at BM. The only thing gayer than BM is maybe a Gay Pride Parade or your local Elks Club meeting. If you have never been around gay people, or don’t know any gay people…..well BM might just be the place for you. BM is a perfect opportunity to get yourself out of your normal environment and a chance to look at your life and what you think. You never know, you may just discover that your ideas about gay people were just a bunch of poop, which would be good for you. But, then….you might just freak out and run around with a gigantic pee spot on the front of your pants yelling, “That naked guy’s a homo!!” Which would be fun for us to watch. Remember, straight people are the minority at BM. It might be time for you learn what it feels like to be in the minority.
2. Naked girls have eyes they like you to look at while talking to them, and no if they paint their boobs to look like eyes it does not give you an excuse to stare. Yes, they are naked, yes they have boobs, but your mother had boobs and you don’t stare at them all the time…..do you? You won’t get very far with women saying things like, “Nice tits or fucker, I did.” That may have worked for you in 1977 but it won’t fly here. Look directly into their eyes and say something like, “Nice shoes.” Even if they aren’t wearing shoes they will like the compliment and give you about 3 seconds before they slap you for staring at their tits. (Girls, remember even if a guy is looking you directly in the eye he is really looking at your tits….trust me I’m looking at them right now.)
3. Lesbians. Lesbians are tricky, they come in many forms. You have the kind of lesbian that are after the same thing you are and will work with you to get what they want. These girls are hard to find. You (the straight guy) need to protect them at all times. If the others in the girls club found out that you two were working as a team she would loose her pink card. Then there are the girls that want nothing to do with men. Be nice and leave them alone. Calling one of these girls, “Hon” all the time will get you an ass kicking you will never forget. Then there is the last kind of gay female that wakes the entire block up at 4:00 AM every morning when they start up their gas powered vibrator. You may wake up thinking someone is running around the camp with a chain saw, but no its just your camp mate trying to get the girl she lured into camp by washing the playa mud her feet, off. The moaning will stop soon….really. Yelling things like, “Just cum already” really won’t speed up the process. (I’ve heard this, it doesn’t work)
4. Fucking with the cops is a really bad idea. I know when you’re drunk or high it may be a REALLY good idea, but trust me it’s not. You would be better off calling some poor lesbian, “Hon” all night long telling her how you partied with Larry Harvey last night and that’s why you’re walking funny. The lesbian would just kick your ass and leave you crying out on the playa. The cops will take your ass to the stone hotel where you meet up again with the guy who told you he was Larry and you learn for a second time why they call him, “Jumbo.”
5. If you are coming to BM to get laid remember that your chances of getting laid automatically double at the Burn because you remember that you can use your left hand too. The reality is that your chances of getting laid at BM are just as high as they are at home. That’s right you have yet again a 0% chance of having sex with anyone but yourself, which is OK. Remember if you don’t take a bath or brush your teeth for 4 days you have even less of a chance of getting laid than 0%.
6. Last of all, if you fall into any of the 5 categories listed above there is hope for you. You have at least made it to the Burn; the rest is up to you.
I would write a straight woman’s guide to BM, but I think I would be stepping over the line.
Scout
1. There are lots of gay people at BM. The only thing gayer than BM is maybe a Gay Pride Parade or your local Elks Club meeting. If you have never been around gay people, or don’t know any gay people…..well BM might just be the place for you. BM is a perfect opportunity to get yourself out of your normal environment and a chance to look at your life and what you think. You never know, you may just discover that your ideas about gay people were just a bunch of poop, which would be good for you. But, then….you might just freak out and run around with a gigantic pee spot on the front of your pants yelling, “That naked guy’s a homo!!” Which would be fun for us to watch. Remember, straight people are the minority at BM. It might be time for you learn what it feels like to be in the minority.
2. Naked girls have eyes they like you to look at while talking to them, and no if they paint their boobs to look like eyes it does not give you an excuse to stare. Yes, they are naked, yes they have boobs, but your mother had boobs and you don’t stare at them all the time…..do you? You won’t get very far with women saying things like, “Nice tits or fucker, I did.” That may have worked for you in 1977 but it won’t fly here. Look directly into their eyes and say something like, “Nice shoes.” Even if they aren’t wearing shoes they will like the compliment and give you about 3 seconds before they slap you for staring at their tits. (Girls, remember even if a guy is looking you directly in the eye he is really looking at your tits….trust me I’m looking at them right now.)
3. Lesbians. Lesbians are tricky, they come in many forms. You have the kind of lesbian that are after the same thing you are and will work with you to get what they want. These girls are hard to find. You (the straight guy) need to protect them at all times. If the others in the girls club found out that you two were working as a team she would loose her pink card. Then there are the girls that want nothing to do with men. Be nice and leave them alone. Calling one of these girls, “Hon” all the time will get you an ass kicking you will never forget. Then there is the last kind of gay female that wakes the entire block up at 4:00 AM every morning when they start up their gas powered vibrator. You may wake up thinking someone is running around the camp with a chain saw, but no its just your camp mate trying to get the girl she lured into camp by washing the playa mud her feet, off. The moaning will stop soon….really. Yelling things like, “Just cum already” really won’t speed up the process. (I’ve heard this, it doesn’t work)
4. Fucking with the cops is a really bad idea. I know when you’re drunk or high it may be a REALLY good idea, but trust me it’s not. You would be better off calling some poor lesbian, “Hon” all night long telling her how you partied with Larry Harvey last night and that’s why you’re walking funny. The lesbian would just kick your ass and leave you crying out on the playa. The cops will take your ass to the stone hotel where you meet up again with the guy who told you he was Larry and you learn for a second time why they call him, “Jumbo.”
5. If you are coming to BM to get laid remember that your chances of getting laid automatically double at the Burn because you remember that you can use your left hand too. The reality is that your chances of getting laid at BM are just as high as they are at home. That’s right you have yet again a 0% chance of having sex with anyone but yourself, which is OK. Remember if you don’t take a bath or brush your teeth for 4 days you have even less of a chance of getting laid than 0%.
6. Last of all, if you fall into any of the 5 categories listed above there is hope for you. You have at least made it to the Burn; the rest is up to you.
I would write a straight woman’s guide to BM, but I think I would be stepping over the line.
Scout