Scout
07-26-2006, 11:35 AM
This is a guide for straight girls and how to survive or even thrive at Burning Man
1. YES, we are staring at YOUR TITS!!! Every lesbian and straight guy is staring at your tits. If you are naked, topless, fully dressed or wearing a burka we are staring at your tits. We love tits; big tits, small tits, round tits, nibbets, long flatties that hang below your belt line and could be tucked into your pants, (yes, I’ve seen these at BM) we love them ALL. NEVER ask a man why they love tits. If you ask a lesbian why they love tits you will get a direct answer. “You got a pair, what do you think?” If you ask a guy he will THINK you are trying to trick him. Remember any guy that is trying to think is a guy who is working outside his comfort zone. They will just look at you with THAT look on their face and say, “You said tits.” Just know they love tits, that’s it, no explanation needed.
2. No matter how hot you are, how much liquor you give them, how much you tell them about how your magic vagina will change their minds, YOU WILL NEVER FUCK THAT YOUNG GAY BOY DRESSED ONLY IN WHITE COTTON UNDIES AND A SAILOR HAT! He may fuck WITH you but he will never fuck you. I have seen this exact event happen in our camp. The young gay boy apologized to us after you left. You know who you are and you should be really embarrassed. Remember there are about 10,000 straight guys and 10,000 lesbians at BM that can service the account in such a way that you won’t remember what your own name is let alone the name of gay boy you had the hots for.
3. Just because your magic vagina has a vice like grip of control on your husband/boyfriend (who has been to BM 10 and decided to invite you now for the first time) this does not mean you control the entire camp, you just control him. Making up camp rules like, “We can only listen to Britney Spears all week long” will not make many friends. But, when you constantly complain that its too hot, its too dusty, I don’t like your friends and I said play only Britney god damn it, will only serve to drive your camp including your husband/boyfriend away. (I have seen this too.) You go out one night while every at your camp tells you they will catch up with you at camp X. Then while you are gone they move the entire camp (which is not easy considering its already Thursday) leaving you a tent, some food, some water and the car your husband/boyfriend donated to the cause to keep from being killed by everyone in your camp because it was he who invited you to the BM this year. The sad part is by the time you get back to your camp the next morning the abandoned camp area has already filled up and you don’t even notice that everyone you knew is gone. (I saw this in 2001)
4. DON”T PARTY WITH LARRY HARVEY!!!! Are you stupid? Every other guy on the playa wearing a hat will tell you they are Larry. Remember, Larry will never tell you he is Larry, you just know. Here is how you know you are dealing with the real Larry Harvey. Maid Marian is leading the way knocking people down and saying, “Don’t you fucking ask him a question.” Then you see Larry. Trailing Larry is the Virgin Mary. Yes the Virgin Mary is at every BM following Larry around. He started BM; don’t you think he deserves to be in the presents of the Virgin Mary at all times….really? Remember (this is the truth) if a man’s lips are moving he is lying. He is trying to tell you what he thinks you want to hear just so he can get in your pants. So, when some dork boy at BM tells you he is Larry he is LYING! Give him a good swift kick in the nuts and walk triumphantly the other way.
5. Playa-dykes. It’s a fact that many straight girls go to BM to get a little non-male action. If it works, good for them. But there are many other straight girls that fall into the clutches of those sneaky lesbians. (Not that all lesbians are sneaky, but some of them are very sly) Sneaky lesbians can get away with the exact same things that straight guys get kicked in the nuts for only because they are girls. Here is an example. Some straight guy says, “I’ve got the cutest little outfit in my tent that would look great on you….you want to come try it on?” The straight guy then gets a swift kick in the nuts and the girl has a story to tell to her camp that night. The sneaky lesbian says, “I’ve got the cutest little outfit in my tent that would look great on you….you want to come try it on?” You say, “Sure!” Well, that “cute little outfit that would look great on you” turns out to be you wearing the sneaky lesbian’s vagina for a hat. After a couple of hours of trying on each others hats you stumble back to your camp. (Here is where it gets tricky) You now have to explain to your husband/boyfriend when he asks, “Is that vagina I smell on your breath?” (Oh, my kingdom for a mint right now) You say in a high squeaky girls voice, “Um….no….we had shrimp for lunch.” Now if your man (whom ever he is) is worth anything he knows the difference between vagina and shrimp on your breath because he himself has had both. I really can’t carry this story any further, you should get the point.
I can’t keep giving you all this good advice,
Scout
1. YES, we are staring at YOUR TITS!!! Every lesbian and straight guy is staring at your tits. If you are naked, topless, fully dressed or wearing a burka we are staring at your tits. We love tits; big tits, small tits, round tits, nibbets, long flatties that hang below your belt line and could be tucked into your pants, (yes, I’ve seen these at BM) we love them ALL. NEVER ask a man why they love tits. If you ask a lesbian why they love tits you will get a direct answer. “You got a pair, what do you think?” If you ask a guy he will THINK you are trying to trick him. Remember any guy that is trying to think is a guy who is working outside his comfort zone. They will just look at you with THAT look on their face and say, “You said tits.” Just know they love tits, that’s it, no explanation needed.
2. No matter how hot you are, how much liquor you give them, how much you tell them about how your magic vagina will change their minds, YOU WILL NEVER FUCK THAT YOUNG GAY BOY DRESSED ONLY IN WHITE COTTON UNDIES AND A SAILOR HAT! He may fuck WITH you but he will never fuck you. I have seen this exact event happen in our camp. The young gay boy apologized to us after you left. You know who you are and you should be really embarrassed. Remember there are about 10,000 straight guys and 10,000 lesbians at BM that can service the account in such a way that you won’t remember what your own name is let alone the name of gay boy you had the hots for.
3. Just because your magic vagina has a vice like grip of control on your husband/boyfriend (who has been to BM 10 and decided to invite you now for the first time) this does not mean you control the entire camp, you just control him. Making up camp rules like, “We can only listen to Britney Spears all week long” will not make many friends. But, when you constantly complain that its too hot, its too dusty, I don’t like your friends and I said play only Britney god damn it, will only serve to drive your camp including your husband/boyfriend away. (I have seen this too.) You go out one night while every at your camp tells you they will catch up with you at camp X. Then while you are gone they move the entire camp (which is not easy considering its already Thursday) leaving you a tent, some food, some water and the car your husband/boyfriend donated to the cause to keep from being killed by everyone in your camp because it was he who invited you to the BM this year. The sad part is by the time you get back to your camp the next morning the abandoned camp area has already filled up and you don’t even notice that everyone you knew is gone. (I saw this in 2001)
4. DON”T PARTY WITH LARRY HARVEY!!!! Are you stupid? Every other guy on the playa wearing a hat will tell you they are Larry. Remember, Larry will never tell you he is Larry, you just know. Here is how you know you are dealing with the real Larry Harvey. Maid Marian is leading the way knocking people down and saying, “Don’t you fucking ask him a question.” Then you see Larry. Trailing Larry is the Virgin Mary. Yes the Virgin Mary is at every BM following Larry around. He started BM; don’t you think he deserves to be in the presents of the Virgin Mary at all times….really? Remember (this is the truth) if a man’s lips are moving he is lying. He is trying to tell you what he thinks you want to hear just so he can get in your pants. So, when some dork boy at BM tells you he is Larry he is LYING! Give him a good swift kick in the nuts and walk triumphantly the other way.
5. Playa-dykes. It’s a fact that many straight girls go to BM to get a little non-male action. If it works, good for them. But there are many other straight girls that fall into the clutches of those sneaky lesbians. (Not that all lesbians are sneaky, but some of them are very sly) Sneaky lesbians can get away with the exact same things that straight guys get kicked in the nuts for only because they are girls. Here is an example. Some straight guy says, “I’ve got the cutest little outfit in my tent that would look great on you….you want to come try it on?” The straight guy then gets a swift kick in the nuts and the girl has a story to tell to her camp that night. The sneaky lesbian says, “I’ve got the cutest little outfit in my tent that would look great on you….you want to come try it on?” You say, “Sure!” Well, that “cute little outfit that would look great on you” turns out to be you wearing the sneaky lesbian’s vagina for a hat. After a couple of hours of trying on each others hats you stumble back to your camp. (Here is where it gets tricky) You now have to explain to your husband/boyfriend when he asks, “Is that vagina I smell on your breath?” (Oh, my kingdom for a mint right now) You say in a high squeaky girls voice, “Um….no….we had shrimp for lunch.” Now if your man (whom ever he is) is worth anything he knows the difference between vagina and shrimp on your breath because he himself has had both. I really can’t carry this story any further, you should get the point.
I can’t keep giving you all this good advice,
Scout